Love is essential

Valentine’s Day, the day that celebrates love, acknowledges the love, whatever its form, that surrounds you. Don`t wait for the Valentine; become the one. Be the embodiment of the “I love you” that will generate an “I love you” in return!         Daphne Rose Kingma                A Garland of Love, February 14

Our daily lives are packed with long to-do lists that we barely make it to bed on time. Within our to-do lists, there are very important and necessary things to accomplish like keeping our jobs so we have a roof over our heads, providing food, saving money for retirement, vacation, etc., doctor appointments, taking the car(s) to maintenance, doing errands, taking kids to activities, going to the gym/working out/meditating, walking the dog, figuring out what to cook for dinner, cleaning up after dinner, making sure the kids’ homework is done, reading a story and tucking the kids into bed, taking a shower and going to bed. Because of these daily demands in undeniably packed days,  many couples look for special days like Valentines’ Day or anniversaries to spend romantic, intimate time together, and as you can imagine it`s not enough to merely celebrate. We must also slow down, share, acknowledge, be present, and feel the love from one another. Could you imagine the outcome if we all spend our time and energy embodying the I love you that generates the I love you in return, as Kingma said?

Love is the essential life force that we are born with it. Without love, we won`t survive. Since the pandemic started, couples have struggled to keep their love alive. And the result has had a detrimental impact on them and their families. Finding the right balance between life`s to-do lists and keeping the love alive requires us to intentionally channel our energy in our relationship.

Intentionality: You might think, of course, we are all intent on keeping our love alive but intentionality requires partners to go out of their comfort zone and offer positive behaviors to touch their partner`s heart. In other words, loving your partner the way they wanted to be loved. If your partner has a hard time expressing his feelings, he might say to himself, to you: ‘I was intentional this evening when I was vulnerable with my feelings. I want to be close to you, therefore I am stretching out of my comfort zone to share my feelings with you.’

Intentionality also requires letting go of the idea or belief that if he/she/ they love me, he/she/they would initiate sex more, tell me how much they love me more, surprise me with gifts. This only works if we are the ones doing the action rather than waiting for our partner to show an act of love. Remember, your partner thinks, feels, and believes differently than you do. When we do that, we are growing and getting out of the old ways of being and experiencing which leads to more love and connection. 

Slowing down and becoming a safe partner will nurture and help your intentionality positively. When we slow down and ground ourselves, everything inside and outside of us also slows down. We are able to access our prefrontal cortex where our analytical thinking is rooted. Expressing empathy happens when we have a regulated nervous system. Regulation means we are able to respond, understand and be intentional with one another. Once we are able to do that our partner will perceive us as a safe harbor and will be able to show up more authentically themselves.

Starting to share even simple appreciations every day with your partner will cultivate your love to each other. Be very specific and notice the power of little caring things that are said and done. These caring behaviors fill the space between us and invite our love to flourish.

  • Are you available to receive an appreciation from me?
  • I really appreciated when you turn the TV sound down when I was trying to take a nap yesterday afternoon.
  • When you did that I felt cared about and loved.
  • Thank you for doing that.

Feel free to add the #kiss #twominutehug #lovinggaze #Iloveyou. Stay warm and love on…

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