Can therapy actually help if my partner won’t come with me?
Yes! Lots of folks are struggling in relationships where something is not working – for you, for your partner, maybe for your kids – but the other person will not go to therapy. Here’s the good news: therapy will help your relationship, even if only part of the relationship goes to therapy.
You’re Always Co-Creating the Relationship
Your relationship is something you are always co-creating. Every day, each of you is putting something into that shared relational space between you. Every look, every sentence, every action you take or do not take is what you put into the space between you. The combination of everything each of you does creates “the relationship.” Which is why no relationship is the same every single day. Relationships are an ever-evolving thing, changing each day based on what has been put into it. Relationships are sort of like long-simmering soups, in that way.
When You Change, The Relationship Changes
What this means is that if you decide to start changing what you put into the space between you, your relationship will change. Adjust what you put in your “relationship soup,” even if your partner keeps putting in the same things, and the soup will taste different. If you thank your partner for something they did, instead of criticizing something they did not do, it changes the relationship. If you pause and slow down, instead of reacting without thinking, it changes the relationship. If you heal potential depression, anxiety, or trauma, you will change what you put into the relationship. And, again, that changes the relationship without your partner doing anything.
Your Change Invites Their Change
If you start changing, your partner will now be living within a changed relationship. The taste of the simmering soup will be different! And they will be much more likely to change their behaviors in response, instead of doing the same things over and over again.
Let’s imagine that you frequently cross your arms and start telling your partner in a loud, angry voice “You don’t seem to love me anymore! You never hug me or make me feel special like you used to!” What would you expect them to react with? Maybe with anger, with defensiveness, with examples of when they have tried to make you feel special and it didn’t work. With therapy, what if you talked through with a therapist how you could instead turn towards them, and say in a quiet voice “I am sad you rarely make me feel special anymore. We seem to not schedule romantic dates these days, like when we first got together.” What would you expect from your partner that’s different? Maybe to not get defensive and lash out. Maybe even to say they miss date nights, and feeling romantic, too. Because you changed what you did, you changed what you put into space between you. And your partner will be given a new, healthier relationship to be reacting to.
Find A Therapist at the Imago Center DC — we’ll help you explore what changes you want to make, to grow yourself and heal your relationship. Or consider one of our upcoming workshops and groups for individuals or couples!
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FAQ
Can therapy help if my partner refuses to go?
Yes! Individual therapy benefits your relationship, even if only one partner is getting help. That’s because you and your partner are always co-creating your shared relationship. So by changing what you’re putting into the relationship, you can help the relationship, even without your partner attending therapy with you.
Do I need my partner to change for the relationship to get better?
Your partner does not necessarily need to change for you to have a happier relationship. When you change what you are putting into the relationship, your partner is now living in and responding to a new, hopefully healthier dynamic. And that often, without their conscious effort, makes them change their behavior in response. Over time, the new dynamic will become the norm instead of old, less-healthy patterns.
How does changing my own behavior affect my relationship?
Every day, each of you is putting something into the shared relational space between you. Every look, every sentence, every action you take or do not take is what you put into your relationship. When you make the effort to change your behavior, the relationship is receiving new inputs from you. For instance, instead of quick angry response, taking a deep breath before responding, or trying naming an appreciation before giving a criticism. If you change your behavior, the relationship changes. Like adjusting the taste of a long-simmering soup – if you start changing the ingredients you put in, the soup’s taste will change, even if your partner keeps putting in the same ingredients.
What’s an example of how changing my approach could change my partner’s response?
If when upset, you usually cross your arms, and say in an angry voice “You never make me feel special anymore,” your partner will likely respond with defensiveness, and try and argue back, with examples when they really tried. But if instead you try to slow down, and say in a discouraged voice, “I am sad you rarely make me feel special anymore –We seem to not schedule romantic dates these days like when we first got together” it’s much more likely your partner will not respond defensively. Maybe they might even soften, and admit they miss that closeness too.
Do I need to already know what to change before starting therapy?
Not at all! Therapy is where you get to explore what you want to change. A therapist can help you explore what you’re currently adding to the relationship, what you like, and what you maybe want to change.
Where can I find a couples therapist for this kind of work?
We see clients across Maryland, DC, and Virginia, both in person and by telehealth. If you are looking for relationship help in the DMV area, reach out, and we will help you find a good match for whatever you’re wanting to address.