My Imago
Starting from early childhood, each of us is watching the world around us. Children are always watching, picking up images that will stay with them for the rest of their lives. The term “imago” comes from Latin for “image” and refers to an unconscious, idealized picture of familiar love that develops during childhood and is sought after in adulthood.
Our First Images Come From Our Families
Our images come from our families, most strongly. There are images from daily life: one little child might be given lots of energetic toys like toy hotwheels and cheetahs, another might be gifted with quiet toys like legos or blocks. Of course, families often provide more of the toys that children consistently enjoy playing with.
Families also give us our first images of relationship roles: sibling, mother, father, aunt, grandfather. Think about what images of family you learned growing up? Take a moment and think about what toys you were given that you enjoyed, and what relationships you saw in your home.
Culture Shapes Our Images
Images also come from the world outside the family, from school and media and culture. To a certain degree children will make their own images, but it is strongly dependent on the available raw materials from their culture and language. Think of how many preschoolers say they want to be an NBA star or a ballet dancer. Most have never met an NBA star or ballet dancer! But they have been shown what those roles are from books and media. And now they are trying out whether they like those images in their personal story.
Every culture has a unique catalog. In a different culture, the images available might be reindeer herder, fisherman, nun. Some cultures focus on lone wolf heroes, while others emphasize good teammates. Some cultures are all about striving to create positive change, others celebrate maintaining traditions. In addition, each of us is exposed to and internalizes parts of the catalog in our own unique way. Take a moment and think about what stories you enjoyed when you were little, and what possible life roles you were told about that resonated and stuck with you.
Building A Library Of Images
Throughout our childhood, each of us is busy accumulating a library of images. By the time we become adults, we have a treasure trove of meaningful symbols to draw on when we envision our own lives.
One lawyer’s personal story might always be filled with images of trickery and cunning: life as a jungle to be carefully navigated, people are devious and unpredictable, it’s better to be the fox than the hen. A scientist might have a personal story full of energy and heroism, viewing their life as an epic quest, with themselves always striving towards magnificent achievements.
As adults, when we try to tell ourselves the story of what is happening now, we are unconsciously drawing on the images we grew up with. We see in our lives what we know to look for, based on the images we grew up with.
What This Looks Like In Practice
Here’s an example of how early childhood imagery can influence how adults tell the story of our lives. Maria, a 38-year-old mom, grew up in a family with her married parents and her grandmother. As a child, she enjoyed playing outside, building mud forts and chasing the family dog around their little garden. In school, she enjoyed stories set in magical forests like Sleeping Beauty, and that focused on accepting individuals as they are, like Ferdinand the Bull and Mary Poppins.
Now, she is grown, married, and has two children of her own. When she reflects on her life, she sees it as filled with vibrant garden imagery. She was good with math and became a money manager. However, her career story is not just about numbers; it’s about cultivating wealth. She views herself as a gardener, helping clients nurture their finances year after year to achieve their goals. Maria thinks of parenting as being a gardener, too. She sees each of her children as blooming like flowers. She carefully attends to each child’s unique needs, supporting them so they can grow to their full potential.
Imago Relationships
We naturally carry the mental images of relationships we formed during childhood into our adult connections, especially the closest ones. These early experiences shape our understanding of what a “partner,” “lover,” or “parent” should be. However, our loved ones can never perfectly mirror the family dynamics we grew up with—and that’s a good thing. After all, we choose our partners for who they are as unique people.
Despite this, many relationship conflicts arise unconsciously, when each partner searches for behaviors they associated with caregivers in childhood, expecting their partner to fulfill those roles. These expectations are often based on deeply ingrained notions of what a “good spouse” or “good parent” should be (or should not be). When you notice frustrations or perceived shortcomings in your partner, they may actually reflect more about you, and your needs and experiences in childhood.
Understanding your imago—the unconscious image of love shaped by early experiences—can help you identify how your past influences your current relationships. This awareness offers an opportunity for healing and growth, allowing you to navigate conflicts more consciously and build healthier connections.
What Are Your Images?
Take a moment and think back on your answers to the earlier questions.
- What family roles did you see in your family?
- What were your favorite toys, and how did you like to play with them?
- What possible career images were you exposed to as a child?
- Do you like stories about individual heroes or groups coming together for a common cause?
- Do you emphasize personal achievement, or continuing traditions?
These questions are just some ways to begin understanding your personal images and inform the blueprint we carry that motivates the people we choose as adults.
Here’s the great news: as an adult, you now get to draw creatively upon the imagery you were exposed to in order to make sense of your life now. While your images may come from childhood, you now get to explore the images and the message they carry for you and the way that you adapt to the messages.
Therapy can be a great place to explore more about your personal story, how it got you where you are today, and consider changes you might make so you can get unstuck and live the life you want to be living. For more, find a therapist or explore group therapy.