So many times, when things are hard in a relationship, anything you do can feel dangerous. Smiling or not smiling, replying or not replying… every decision feels like it could spark another tense moment or another rupture.
And this makes sense! Harville Hendrix says, “Talking is the most dangerous thing we do in our relationships.” Our words (and our silences) have a lot of power. Talking is the most common way we connect with others. Whether with a partner, friend, or family member, we understand them the most – and are understood the most – through talking. But when things become fraught, talking often becomes the very thing that leaves us feeling upset and disconnected
The One Thing That Is You Can Do To Immediately Strengthen Your Connection
Here’s the tip for today: before you start talking, listen first. And show them that you are actively listening. One of the most powerful ways to do this is what we call mirroring. Mirroring means saying back to them what you think they were trying to convey, to check that you understood. You leave out your interpretations, preferences, and ideas about what they said, and simply repeat back what you heard. This is especially powerful if you then check that you are understanding what they said, asking “Am I getting you?”
Other forms of active listening that can help enhance their feeling that you are fully listening and trying to get them are:
- Turning toward them while they speak
- Nodding at appropriate points
- Putting down objects you may be holding (like a cell phone) or pausing tasks you may be doing
- Using “minimal encouragers” while they speak, like “uh-huh” or “yeah,” without interrupting the flow of what they are saying
What You Have To Tolerate To Actively Listen
Active listening, especially mirroring before replying, is not easy. It requires you to pause sharing your own thoughts and feelings on the topic. For emotional subjects, that can be really hard. Active listening can mean tolerating sadness, frustration, fear – any difficult feeling that comes up while you listen. And then choosing not to express those feelings for a little while. Active listening means putting up with your internal reactions as you work hard to see the world the way they are seeing it.
A Little Practice Example
Imagine your partner was supposed to pick up the kids after work, but you get an emergency call from daycare that it is pickup time and they are not answering. You have to leave work early, pick up the kids, get them home, and feed them by yourself. An hour later, your spouse arrives in a whirl, looking visibly annoyed. While putting away their coat, they say “I am so sorry I couldn’t get the kids. There was a surprise off-site…can you believe the boss expected us all to be excited about the ‘field trip’? He keeps becoming more of a jerk every day…”
What reactions do you notice when you imagine that? Frustration, a sense of injustice, tiredness? Notice what you might have to tolerate in order not to reply immediately. Now try to imagine taking a deep breath, and mirroring back what your partner said before sharing how the day was for you. Maybe something like “It sounds like you are sorry about missing pick-up, you had to suddenly do an unexpected off-site visit at work today. And your boss really misread things, thinking everyone would enjoy it.” And if you can, imagine adding “Did I get you?” This is a beautiful, soft reply. It shows you are really listening and understanding, and trying to see your partner’s perspective. They will be a lot more receptive when you then share your experiences of the day with them.
Reach out to us at the Imago Center DC — we’ll help you practice mirroring, and many other helpful relationship-healing practices. Or consider one of our upcoming workshops and learn how to do these with your partner!