I don’t know about you, but I feel the time between Thanksgiving and the New Year is complicated. A friend of mine refers to this time of the year as the holler-daze! So, what should a relational peep do when so much fills the space between us?! Holidays, family time, geo-politics – all these create a recipe for dysfunction, disconnection, and doubling down on generational dynamics that serve us in limited survival ways. Surviving is brilliant; thriving is even better.
More Advice
Everywhere I turn, another trusted voice tells me and you how to behave to keep things civil during the holidays. Breathe more. Say less. Just walk away. I appreciate the wealth of tools for us to lean on. I too want to weigh in with the best tools we have in Imago Land. Can we all agree on a premise that may sound crazy?
“Everybody, everywhere, makes sense, if we listen long enough.”
This doesn’t mean that I agree or even like what you’re telling me. It means that if I listen to you to understand you, truly, deeply and in a felt way, then I can honestly say: “You make sense.” Being understood lies at the heart of feeling valued, known, and even loved.
Habitual
According to Otto Scharmer, listening has levels. On the surface level, we listen to reconfirm what we already know or believe. We call this habitual listening. I notice I do this before I’ve made a commitment to engage. I find myself doing this when I listen to the news or read posts on social media. I’m casual and careless, only half-listening because I tell myself I already know what will be said. I’m also likely doing more than one thing at a time: cooking with the TV on in the background, checking email and cocking my ear to the radio, shopping online while others are talking.
Factual
Listening level two is “factual Listening,” where we notice the difference between what we knew and new information. This requires a simple thing: an open mind. With an open mind, we’re curious, we have our left prefrontal cortex on board. With an open mind, there’s possibility! To be curious, I have to actually turn towards the speaker. I’m most curious when I look for ALL the informational cues: facial expression, signals of welcome, body language, the timbre and lilt of a voice. I’m most successful at entering with delight and curiosity with my dogs, Annabelle and Lilli! They invite me into their communication with ease and I’m open-minded about what they might possibly be telling me! I aspire to be the listener my dogs think I am!
Empathic
Listening level three is “empathic listening.” This is the listening we do with an open heart. We cross the invisible bridge that connects my heart to yours and arrive with curiosity, wonder, and awe. The felt-sense of another’s experience connects us! When I long for connection with others, I can experience this simply by crossing into their world and seeking to understand what it’s like to be them. This is no small thing! When I’m truly able to set aside my feelings, experiences, thoughts, and stories about others, I embark across this bridge to see what I don’t yet know. I look for new things! I remember things I thought I had learned and relearn them. I’m happily surprised. And I’m intrigued! I want to know more. Tell me more! This listening is amazing and might be enough for some conversations.
Generative
Listening level four is the most powerful: generative listening. This level of listening has the power and energy to transform what we think we know into a new emergent possibility. This level of listening requires us to have an open will. Willingness transforms. By listening in this way, the listener changes and the speaker changes. Something that didn’t exist before emerges as the future. This is the place we must go when we face either/or decisions. This is a place that’s better than any compromise. This is a place of growth and healing. It’s a place of raw emotion. It’s a place where our unconscious rises to the surface and we KNOW what’s next. Until we know, we stay here, wrestling in the murkiness until we have clarity!
Not Listening!
I’d like to say that this is where I am today, feeling my feelings. But in fact, I now know that I’ve been stuck in the space of my habitual learning for many, many days (weeks.) There’s no new knowledge here; no new data points. Writing to you all today, I can see myself and my stuckness. I can own my resistance to OPENING my mind, my heart and my will. I tell you, “It sucks!”
Listening with Imago
Listening in a generative way is a powerful antidote to the disconnection, misunderstanding, fear, and objection we feel when confronted with others who think or act differently than we want. Pairing this listening with our Imago tools slows us down and opens us up.
Mirroring
- What I think I heard you say…
- Am I getting you?
- Tell me more…
Validation
- You make sense!
- I can see how…,
Empathy
- Given all of this, I imagine you may feel….
- I wonder if this feels like…to you?
In generative listening, I understand you and your feelings, even though I am not you and you are not me.
Connection is the Answer
One of our deepest longings in distress can be the longing for others to just be a little more like us. Generative listening can bring us closer to that longing without asking others to not be themselves. In the end, I do not really want everyone to be more like me—THAT would be awful. I do want to be seen and heard. I want to be known and valued. I want my feelings to be tolerated and even welcomed. I want to know how long to feel this way. I want to be with my feelings long enough to know where to go next and how. I want to know who is going with me. This, THIS!
Open Mind, Heart, Will
So this holler-daze, try a little generative listening. Open your mind, open your heart, open your will. Cross the bridge to another’s world and become fluent in their particular way of being. Consider the possibility of being surprised by connection. Discover ways in which we are all more alike than we are different.
If you, your partner, your family members, friends and/or community are looking for better ways to talk and listen to each other contact us at the Imago Center, attend a workshop, ask us to create a program for you!