Remember the term “self-actualisation?” It’s related to the idea that each person can heal, and even optimize, if they move closer to their “true self.” Popularized by Carl Roger’s Person-Centered Therapy, self actualisation is based on the belief that each of us has an underlying best, healthiest, most true version of ourselves. We are pulled away from it by expectations from the world around us. By what our parents want from us, by what our friends think, by what society tells us. But when we explore ourselves, there remains that true self a priori under it all.
That can be somewhat limiting, however. What if your “true self” is afraid of being rejected, but you long to have deeper relationships? What if your “true self” loves thrills, but you keep getting seriously hurt and scaring your family? Self-actualization, if taken too far, can make it hard to push yourself to try new things and go for your goals.
Self-construction offers a different way of thinking about who you are. Instead of you always existing, an unchanging self, it says that you are always constructing yourself, making stories about who you are and who you could become. Self-construction says that you get to choose which pieces of your self history to constitute a self from. By weaving your story together, emphasizing this relationship, downplaying that choice, you are in charge of creating your life story. And by creating your life story you get to create your “self.”
Think of a spouse getting a surprise bouquet of flowers, delivered to their front door, on a random Tuesday. One option of how the surprised spouse could make sense of getting the flowers is to remember negative moments. The times in the past week that the two of them had a disagreement, or were short with each other. Then the story becomes: “What did they do this time? What are they trying to make up for?”
Another option of how the surprised spouse could react is focusing on the times in the past week the two of them laughed together, or were thoughtful of each other. Then the story would become positive: “They really love me and were thinking of me!” You can probably think of a few people in your life who tend to tell the negative story. And probably a few different people who tend to tell the positive story. If you’re really feeling brave, maybe think of which story you tend to tell yourself.
The great news is, you are both the storyteller and the person in the story. You can always start telling yourself a different story, even if your past remains exactly the same. What might one aspect of your story be that you would like to emphasize more? Think maybe of the times you were kinder, or the times you were more brave, or the times you were more vulnerable. How would you feel differently about yourself if you focused more on those parts of your story? And then would you maybe behave differently?
Lillian is the newest member of the Imago Center staff. If you are looking to start therapy, wanting to find an individual or couples therapist, hoping to be your best self, Contact Lillian for an appointment.