Relationships matter
A 75-year old Harvard longitudinal study of 724 men revealed three big lessons about relationships:
- Social connections are really good for us, and loneliness kills.
- The quality of our close relationships matters.
- Healthy relationships with secure attachment don’t just protect our bodies, they protect our brains.
According to this study, good relationships keep us happier and healthier and help us live longer.
High conflict marriages without much affection are very bad for our health. In contrast, living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective.
Here is an excerpt from Robert Waldinger’s TedTalk about the study:
How healthy is my relationship?
How do we assess the health of our intimate relationships?
The One Love Foundation identifies ten signs.
An exercise to grow a healthy relationship
Use the list above as a starting point with your partner to reflect intentionally on your relationship together and co-create more of the healthy characteristics that you long for.
Step 1: Appreciate the good
Start by appreciating some of the qualities that already exist. Remember that what we pay attention to grows! Highlight some of the positive signs that you see each other contribute to your partnership. Have one person share (one sentence at a time), while the other listens, mirrors it back (reflects back what they hear word-for-word), and checks “Did I get you?” to make sure they are understanding fully. When the first sender has finished all the prompts, switch roles.
- One sign/quality of a healthy relationship (from the list) that you help us embody is…
- One example of this is…
- This is important to me because…
- Acknowledging this, I feel …
- Thank you for listening.
Step 2: Set an intention for more relationship health
Next, take turns sharing your thoughts and hopes about some of the characteristics you would like to work on together. Use mirroring to keep your dialogue slow and intentional. Remember to make your requests positive and gentle (not critical!) so your partner can listen and stay connected.
- What I have learned about healthy relationships from my own experiences (with family, friends, others) is…
- One sign/quality of a healthy relationship (from the list) I would like us to develop/deepen together is…
- This is important to me given my experience/history because…
- What I could do to contribute to deepening this quality in our relationship is…
- One concrete example could include…
- One way you could contribute around this is…
- If we both could work on this, it would help me feel…
- Thank you for listening.
Reach out to Caroline or one of our Imago Center DC therapists and make your relationship a healthy one. Join a free communication boot camp, a Getting the Love You Want workshop, or a Couples’ Café. We’re here for you!