What if the pattern is the real problem?
Ever have the same fight over and over? The one that starts about the dishwasher… or a tone of voice… or the way they looked at you?
Here’s the thing: most of the time, the fight isn’t actually about what it seems. It’s about the pattern underneath.
Common Patterns We Fall Into
- One partner criticizes, the other shuts down.
- One pleads, the other gets defensive.
- One pushes for closeness, the other pulls away.
Sound familiar? These cycles aren’t random — they’re protective strategies. They usually come from old wounds, unmet needs, or ways we learned to cope long before this relationship began.
The Imago Approach
In Imago, we slow things down. We press pause on the blame and get curious about the loop we’re both caught in. Once you see the pattern, you can stop making your partner the enemy and start working with them to break the cycle.
Try This:
Next time you’re triggered, don’t ask, What’s wrong with them?
Ask: What’s the deeper feeling I haven’t shared yet?
That question shifts everything. It brings the focus back to you, your experience, your vulnerability, and creates space for connection.
Bottom line
The real issue might not be the dishwasher. It might be a deeper need trying to surface, a need to feel connected, or important, or appreciated…
Notice the pattern. Name the feeling. That’s where connection begins.
Reflection Prompt:
What’s a pattern you and your partner fall into during conflict?
If you paused and looked underneath it, what deeper feeling or need might be driving it?
Reach out to us at the Imago Center DC — we’ll help you turn that tug-of-war into teamwork.
Want more tools like this?
Watch the video version of this tip here.
And stay tuned for the next post in our “Imago Moments for Couples” series.