Imagine you hear a loud thud coming from outside. What thoughts come to mind? Maybe “That’s concerning…” or “Oh, they were doing road work nearby today…” or “That’s that package I ordered…” Any of those might fit with what has really happened; any one may well be reality. Or none of those might fit. What you can truly know, in that moment, is only that there was a loud noise, and the general direction it came from.
What is reality?
No, this is not a spiritual or physics question. It’s rather something that is very, very helpful to think about when it comes to our relationship with the world and with others. Ultimately, the only thing you can be confident is reality is information from your senses, your thoughts, and your feelings.
Note that these are facts that are not arguable! If you smell a strong smell, it is a physical fact. Others near you would smell it too. What is creating that smell, the label to assign that smell, might be arguable. Is it a rose, or some rose tea, or a rose perfume…that might not be easily agreed upon. But everyone could agree, a physical sensation of smell occurred.
Interestingly, unarguable facts include your internal experiences, your thoughts and your feelings. Read this sentence to yourself: “The sky is green.” It is now a fact that you had that thought. Those specific words ran through your head. Does this mean that it is true the sky is green? Of course not! But you had the internal experience of thinking that sentence, and that is now part of the reality of what has occurred.
Similarly, when you experience emotions, that is unarguably part of your reality. What label you give the emotion might be malleable. For instance, the same internal emotion might be described by different people as happiness, or humor, or joy. Still, the experiencing of an emotion remains true, regardless of the label given to it.
Does this help your relationship with yourself and with others?
Living with a sense of confidence in what you can know is reality, and what are your interpretations are on top of that reality, can be extremely helpful in living a life that is closer to one that you enjoy, and that matches your values and goals.
First and foremost, it helps you experience reality more as it is. When you need to walk across a dark room filled with furniture, is it better to leave the light off, or turn the light on? Which one will cause less painful shin bruises and less frustration? A fundamental benefit of checking with what you can truly know, is that it helps you experience more accurately what is happening around you, what you are doing, and what others are doing. Which helps you navigate life more easily.
Experiencing reality as it actually is can be very hard – especially when we have been telling ourselves certain stories for so long that they feel true. For example, you might hold onto the belief, “If I ask for help, people will think I’m incompetent.” But if we let go of our mental constructs, interpretations, and judgements, often people find that the worst fears about reality are not true. Instead, you might find, “I asked for help, and my colleague was happy to explain things. They even shared their own struggles with the same task.” Letting go of your internal interpretations and being more in touch with reality will help you navigate the world more easily.
Living with more confidence in what is reality also opens you up to have increased control of your mind. This can look like having greater ability to attend to what really matters to you. It can also help you not get entangled in events, and decrease your reactivity. For instance, say your spouse lets out a heavy sigh over dinner. It would be easy to say to yourself, “Here they go again. It’s always one complaint after another. What did I do that annoyed them now?” And then you might feel irritated and ready to snap at them, before they have said a word! With a greater sense that all you can be confident about is that your spouse sighed, it opens you up to be less reactive. “Hm…they sighed. I wonder why?”
This Can Help Your Relationships
Imago couples therapy centers on distinguishing between what is unarguably real – your direct sensory experiences, thoughts, and feelings – and the stories or interpretations you add on top. The Imago Dialogue process is structured to help you and your spouse more easily and consistently distinguish reality from interpretations, by teaching you both to:
Mirror: Repeat back what your partner says to ensure you truly hear and understand their experience, focusing only on what was actually said or felt, not your interpretation
Validate: Acknowledge that your partner’s experience makes sense from their perspective, with the information they have, even if you see things differently. This step is about recognizing the reality of their feelings and thoughts as facts for them
Empathize: Imagine and express what your partner might be feeling, based on the reality they expressed they experienced. By empathizing, you are deepening emotional connection and safety, and beginning to learn the “cheat sheet” to how your partner tends to react emotionally to their reality.
By practicing these steps, couples learn to separate observable facts (like “I heard you sigh”) from assumptions (“You’re annoyed with me again”), reducing reactivity and misunderstandings. It will help both of you be confident you are responding to each other’s real experiences, rather than your personal interpretations of those experiences. Which in turn fosters empathy and healing in the relationship.
Is there more?
Register for Getting the Love You Want: an immersion relationship workshop for couples.
Register for Keeping the Love You Find: an immersion relationship workshop for individuals.