Talk less!
Harville Hendrix says “Talking is the most dangerous thing we do in our relationships.” Talking, the way we try to connect, often becomes the very thing that causes distress and rupture. When we are activated, what if we pause. When in doubt do nothing. Breathe. Notice and name what you can about You. Is there a story? Do you have an impulse to act or leave? Three ways to be curious about you in the moment could include:
- sensations in my body: my breath, my heart rate, my temperature, smells, sounds, flavors, touch, images that are present
- the world around you: what is happening right now, give yourself context for your activation
- the space between us: how are you experiencing other people and what is the quality of the space between you
Noticing and naming is a pure pathway to being present. Slow down. Greet your emotions. Invite curiosity: Why this?, Why now? Ask yourself: Is what I am about to say or do an improvement on silence? Will my words or actions bring me closer to myself, the world, or others? Or am I about to slip into my familiar response with being aware of that decision? One way to begin an intentional practice of being present and curious is to spend 4 minutes gazing adoringly into each other’s eyes sending a silent message of appreciation and delight.
The Practice
Set up a place in your home where you meet with gratitude and love. Put to chairs here, facing each other, as close together as you can be. Knee to chair and chair to knee with each other. If you have kids, grandkids, pets, siblings, parents, perhaps you can create a montage of their photos so that they can be an ever-present witness to your practice and expression of loving connection. Meet here daily. Light a candle. Place a flower. Add some music. You do you in this created space. Sit facing your partner, hold hands if that appeals to you.
Lean in, 18 inches apart, and gaze into each others eyes. Set aside worries, concerns, decisions-they will be there, waiting for you to pick up when you return to the day-to-day stuff. Beam out a message that says: Thank you! Thank you for being my person. Thank you for the unsung ways you show up for us. Thank you for learning about me, for your curiosity and you acquired knowledge of me. Thank you for loving me exactly as I am. Thank you for being you exactly as you are. Allow yourself to feel the connection as you send and seek messages of welcome and delight. Remind yourself of the felt sense of connection and love. Let your partner feel that you know this sensed relationship and you can always return to it with intention.
An appreciation
While you gaze into each others eyes, ‘look’ for and share one thing that your partner said or did today (in the last 24 hours) that you appreciate. This is an invitation to send and receive. One of you will begin by asking: Are you available to receive an appreciation from me? Use this phrase as an invitation of abundance, willingness and mirroring. By mirroring, I mean, listening to the words you hear and allowing them to enter you and then reflect them back as they were said to you. Word choice is very personal and precious. Honor and treasure the words you offer and hear. Take your time. Let them land. Check to see if that is really what you mean and what is most important about the thing you appreciate. Your partner can help you by offering: Am I getting you? Tell me more, is there more?
Give yourself a moment to be in the felt sense of the action or words you are appreciating and notice and name the feelings that appeared when your partner said or did it. Share your feelings: When you did that, I felt…. Breath together and allow the sending and the receiving to land in each of you. Savor the moment then and now. Thank each other for telling or hearing. Smile and delight. Then you switch and repeat going the other direction.
Closing the loop
When each of you has taken the time and the presence to send and receive, invite your partner to join you in a one minute hug. Set a timer! One minute is longer than we think. Sync your breath and heartbeat together. Allow yourselves to sense into each others arms, bodies, nervous systems. Savor this minute of silence and stillness; it is sacred and sets you up for everything that follows in your day or night. Hugging is a biological invitation, overriding all of our fears and worries and reminding us that we know safety, connection and love.
Bonus points!
You can finish your hug with a real six second kiss. Again, the longest timed kiss that you can imagine. Long enough to induce the production of oxytocin and serotonin paired with your hug dopamine! There is no better way to support connection than to add biology to the mix! This seems like a small thing until you set your intention and show up welcoming and willing with your partner every day. You get better at whatever you practice. So what’s it gonna be?
Join us in our home for an intensive couples immersion weekend. We will share stories, introduce new ideas, and delve into why we do what we do in our relationships. We invite couples to come with curiosity and an intention for their relationship. We practice, practice, practice sitting in connection with and without words! Consider the gift you give to yourself, your partner and your relationship when you take time to be the best couple you can be. Whether you are stuck, in a new phase of the relationship, or just wanting a tune up, join us. All that you do in the service of your connection has downstream benefits for the people who come after you. Register here. Aug 23-25 in Metro DC.