What Imago Taught Me About Real Connection
For 25 years, I was married to an active alcoholic. I spent so many nights believing that if I just found the right words, used the gentle tone, picked the perfect moment, or was the most understanding partner ever—he’d finally choose us over drinking.
I tried everything. It took me a long time to understand that alcoholism is a disease. And that no amount of love, logic, or careful communication could fix it.
When the marriage ended, I promised myself one thing: never again. I was never going to put my heart on the line like that. I was done.
And then, of course, life laughed at that plan.
Falling in Love Again—But Differently
A few years later, I met someone who genuinely wanted a connected, happy marriage. After five years together—four of them long-distance!—we decided to get married. But first, we signed up for the Getting the Love You Want workshop.
This was before I’d gone to therapy, before I became a therapist myself, and before I understood that relationships aren’t supposed to be easy—they’re supposed to grow you.
That workshop changed everything for me. It introduced me to Imago Relationship Therapy, which helps couples turn conflict into connection, heal old wounds, and consciously grow each other into wholeness. It showed me that love could be safe and sacred—and that connection could actually heal.
Every Fight Is a Message
Imago taught me to see conflict differently. Every argument, every eye roll, every “you never listen” moment—it’s not a sign you picked the wrong partner, again. It’s actually a map pointing straight to what each of you still needs to heal.
When we first practiced Imago Dialogue, I discovered something that honestly stunned me: I might be a little rigid.
Me? Rigid? The easygoing one? Turns out my version of “laid-back” was actually me trying to control chaos. When things felt uncertain, I managed by taking charge…of everything. It looked like competence—but underneath, it was fear. Accepting that was both humbling and incredibly freeing.
Healing Old Wounds—Together
Imago says we’re drawn to partners who somehow remind us of the people who raised us. Not consciously, of course—it’s like our hearts are trying to find a familiar stage to rewrite the old story.
Growing up, expressing affection was not a thing in my family. “I love you” wasn’t said often, if at all. Then I met a man who tells me he loves me every single day.
At first, it felt awkward. Too much. But over time, those words landed deeper—and started to heal parts of me that didn’t even know they were hungry. His way of loving me has helped me stretch mine. That’s what healing love does—it invites you somewhere new.
Creating Safety in the Space Between
The magic of Imago is how it slows things down. It teaches you to listen—really listen—by mirroring what your partner says before jumping in with your own story or defense.
This kind of intentional communication builds safety, and safety is where love grows. It’s where you can finally exhale.
Feeling safe means believing your partner will meet you with care and curiosity, even during conflict or hurt.
Blame, shame, and criticism destroy that bridge. But when you stay curious instead of defensive, you build something much stronger: trust.
Listening Until You Really Understand
There’s a moment in Imago Dialogue where you simply reflect back what you’ve heard—exactly, without changing it or fixing it. It’s harder than it sounds! But when your partner truly feels heard, defensiveness melts.
The poet David Whyte calls understanding “love’s other name.” And he’s right—it’s not about seeing the same light, but about seeing the light in each other.
Why We Pick Who We Pick
Imago really helped me understand why I chose the people I did. We’re not crazy; we’re consistent. We’re drawn to the familiar because some part of us hopes this time we can finally heal what hurt.
Once you see that, the whole narrative shifts. Instead of “What’s wrong with us?” it becomes, “Oh… this makes sense. This is our work to do.”
And that’s such a relief.
Rekindle Connection and Joy
When couples feel stuck or distant, it’s easy to assume the spark is gone. But Imago teaches you how to actively co-create connection again—with simple but powerful practices like sharing daily appreciations or noticing the things that delight you about your partner.
In our relationship, the more appreciations we share, the more little things we adore. It’s like we’re wearing new glasses—ones that make joy easier to see. And honestly, the more we do it, the more we want to.
Choosing Conscious Love
We all have our go-to reactions when things get hard. When I’m upset, I tend to “do nothing.” My partner’s default is “do something.” Both make sense—it’s how we learned to stay alive!
Imago helps us slow down enough to notice those reactions, breathe, and choose curiosity and connection instead. I’ve learned that connection isn’t about perfection—it’s about repair. It’s choosing each other even when it’s work.
When the Trust Breaks
Every couple faces tough seasons—times when something ruptures between you. It could be big, like betrayal, or small, like carelessness.
Imago gives you a roadmap for those moments: turn towards each other, nurture safety in the space between you, cross the bridge into each other’s “world,” arrive with curiosity, repair, and create new ways of being together.
Every repair is a new beginning. The real question is: How quickly can I come back to you after we disconnect? That’s the muscle we build—together.
Love as a Mutual Healing Journey
Here’s the part I love most: Imago says the deeper purpose of partnership isn’t just happiness—it’s healing.
My husband and I often talk about our “wildest aspirational dreams” for our relationship—the kind of connection we’re building one day at a time. We practice what we want to become, over and over. And slowly, those dreams become our daily reality.
Because, what you practice, grows. And we’re practicing love.
After years of surviving love, with Imago, I learned how to co-create it.
It’s not always easy. But one dialogue, one breath, one soft return at a time—we keep finding our way back to each other.
And that, to me, is what real connection looks like.
Learn how to co-create the relationship you dream of living.