People often ask: How do you stay married to the same person for over 30 years?
Well, here’s the honest answer: You don’t.
The person I married 31 years ago is not the same person I live with today. And I’m certainly not the same either. We’ve both changed—sometimes in sync, sometimes not. Somehow, we’ve managed to keep growing together.
That hasn’t always been easy. There have been seasons of deep disconnection, missed signals, and painful misunderstandings. What helped us find our way through wasn’t just time; it was learning how to do love differently.
For us, the Imago approach has been a lifeline. It’s given us the tools, the language, and the perspective to come back to each other again and again—not just when things are good, but especially when they’re hard.
This beautiful short film from Great Big Story, Couples Together 30+ Years Give Us Love Advice, features nine couples from around the world who’ve weathered decades together. Their reflections are deeply moving and surprisingly practical.
So much of what they say echoes what we’ve learned through Imago: love isn’t a grand, cinematic feeling—it’s an everyday practice.
Here are some of the ingredients I believe help love go the distance (many of which echo the couples in the video):
1. Playfulness and a Sense of Humor
My husband and I are responsible, conscientious first-borns who tend to put work before play. As empty nesters now, we’re still learning how to prioritize fun and pleasure. Thankfully, my husband has a goofy side and keeps teaching me to not take myself so seriously. Funny GIFs, inside jokes, and the occasional bit of potty humor go a long way too!
As one couple in the video said, “We’re up at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning dancing with each other.” That joy? It’s not trivial. It’s glue.
2. Shared Sense of Purpose
You don’t need to want all the same things, but you do need some common direction or vision. For us, it’s included commitment to family, spirituality, impactful work, healthy relationships, and hospitality.
The couples in the video spoke of supporting each other’s dreams, carrying each other through illness, showing up, again and again.
3. Openness to Grow
Lasting love asks us to stretch. I’ve had to learn how to be less controlling and correcting and more comfortable with making mistakes. Today, I’m a little less terrible at asking for what I need. My husband is learning to express his emotions more vulnerably.
Imago helped us see that conflict isn’t a failure—it’s a chance to heal old wounds. The growth isn’t always pretty, but it’s powerful when you stick with it.
As one person in the film put it: “You get to see the person for who they really are, and you learn how to deal with that.” That’s love with its sleeves rolled up.
4. Forgiveness and Humility
There’s no long-term relationship without mistakes. We’ve had to apologize, forgive, try again. We’ve had to choose grace when we least felt like it.
One of the most helpful Imago tools we’ve learned is the dialogue process. When we slow down and really mirror each other—even when we’re upset—it softens the edges and makes room for grace.
You won’t always be your best self, but you can keep coming back to love.
5. Tender Companionship
Many couples in the film echoed this: “You really have a friend for life—which not everyone does.”
But lasting love isn’t just about friendship. It’s about choosing tenderness, too. Deepening that connection with gestures of affection—whether it’s holding hands while walking, sharing a long hug after a hard day, or making love with intention—keeps the bond alive in a way words alone can’t.
Physical touch reminds us we’re not just teammates, we’re lovers, too. That kind of companionship—steady, tender, and faithful—is a quiet, extraordinary gift.
After 31 years together, I can say this: it’s not magic or luck. It’s a series of choices, rituals, and pauses. It’s remembering, even on the hard days, that you’re on the same team. And sometimes, it’s simply about making dinner (me), asking “How was your day?” and doing the dishes (him)—a love story told in a thousand quiet repetitions.
Imago has helped us do just that. It’s given us a roadmap for how to stay connected even when things get hard, how to listen with empathy (especially when we don’t agree), and how to see the little hurt child behind the frustrating behavior. Imago taught us that conflict isn’t a sign that something’s broken, but rather it’s a doorway into deeper healing and growth.
So no, you don’t stay married to the same person for 30+ years.
But if you’re lucky and willing, you keep learning how to love each other better. You fall in love with the changing version of them, again and again.
Need Support?
If you’re navigating change, conflict, or just the everyday work of staying connected, you’re not alone. Imago has helped us build a relationship rooted in curiosity, empathy, and repair—and it can help you too.
Reach out to the Imago Center DC to learn more or connect with a therapist.